The Sound of Silence
I've become a much quieter person these past few years.
I have been battling anxiety and depression, so that definitely plays a role in the change. I sometimes have panic attacks in crowded places. My therapist thinks I have PTSD from some experiences in the Peace Corps. I'm not sure I agree, but I do agree that two years in the jungle did change me. How could it not?
Aside from leaving a mark on my heart, Pohnpei changed forever the way I relate to others and to myself. I'm embarrassed when I think back to the beginning of my service, my first few months on-island. The uneasiness I felt around people so different from me. The fear I felt, unsure who I could trust. The aversion to unfamiliar food, culture, language, and way of life. I remember laying awake at night in my room in my training family's home in the capital, wondering if I made a huge mistake, too ashamed to admit I was so uncomfortable in my new surroundings. Ultimately I settled in, let myself be more open and found an incredible family with indescribable joy and love in their hearts and people eager to teach me and welcome me as one of their own.
However, this change in my perceptions in the jungle didn't happen overnight. There were long periods of sadness, loneliness, isolation, and anger. I wondered why can't they just ______? Fill in the blank with any number of shameful things. The change came when I decided to make it happen, when I decided that my anger and sadness was a miserable way to live. I decided that I had nothing to loose, but everything to gain. It came as a result of being broken and not wanting to live with the burden anymore.
And now, here we are in Trump's America.
Hatred and ignorance are applauded as self-expression, honesty, and traditional values. Young people are killed in night clubs where they finally feel safe. Fathers and sons die for no other crime than being Black or Muslim. Families in desperate need of help are turned away because they might be dangerous. People in power routinely lie and bully and are met without consequence.
How did we get here?
Every day, I walk around with the weight of what's happening, and I think about my experience in Pohnpei. The Christy from the beginning of my service is not so different from the people in America that upset me. Things you don't understand are scary. I have never been Black, gay, Muslim, trans-gendered, an immigrant, or a refugee. People from those groups are mysterious. I have many questions, and no matter how many get answered, I will never understand what it's like to be any one of them. Well, if that's the case, why bother? Let's just build a wall, ban them, spew hatred at them, kill them. Let's make America great. They are so different from me, why can't they just go back to where they came from? Why can't they just keep their lifestyle to themselves? It's too much work for me to try to understand them, why can't they just go away?
In the 1996 movie "Harriet the Spy", Rosie O'Donnell's character Golly frequently told Harriet that the unusual people around her "deserved a closer look". That there was more to them that what meets the eye. That they had something to teach her. That stuck with me all these years.
Those groups of people, the marginalized, have lived lives so vastly different from me, They have had so many experiences I will never have. I find that utterly fascinating. They are often misunderstood and misrepresented, and consequently mistreated. But they have so much to teach us. These people deserve a closer look.
I get it. I really do. It takes a lot of emotional work to decide to care about people. It is easier to remain secluded, angry. I get it, but when the alternative is love, why would you choose anything else? The world is so loud, so ugly, the burden is too great.
And so, I am much quieter these days.
I feel the weight of my responsibility as a human, a citizen, an educator. I feel the overwhelming sense of dread. I open up the News with a knot in my stomach. I have a lot of thoughts and emotions coursing through me always. And yes, some of that is my anxiety, but some of it is me knowing that a lot is wrong in the world. Sometimes the silence is the only sound I want to hear.
"If you heard the noise living inside me, you would never question my love for silence." -Stephanie Bennett-Henry
I have been battling anxiety and depression, so that definitely plays a role in the change. I sometimes have panic attacks in crowded places. My therapist thinks I have PTSD from some experiences in the Peace Corps. I'm not sure I agree, but I do agree that two years in the jungle did change me. How could it not?
Aside from leaving a mark on my heart, Pohnpei changed forever the way I relate to others and to myself. I'm embarrassed when I think back to the beginning of my service, my first few months on-island. The uneasiness I felt around people so different from me. The fear I felt, unsure who I could trust. The aversion to unfamiliar food, culture, language, and way of life. I remember laying awake at night in my room in my training family's home in the capital, wondering if I made a huge mistake, too ashamed to admit I was so uncomfortable in my new surroundings. Ultimately I settled in, let myself be more open and found an incredible family with indescribable joy and love in their hearts and people eager to teach me and welcome me as one of their own.
However, this change in my perceptions in the jungle didn't happen overnight. There were long periods of sadness, loneliness, isolation, and anger. I wondered why can't they just ______? Fill in the blank with any number of shameful things. The change came when I decided to make it happen, when I decided that my anger and sadness was a miserable way to live. I decided that I had nothing to loose, but everything to gain. It came as a result of being broken and not wanting to live with the burden anymore.
And now, here we are in Trump's America.
Hatred and ignorance are applauded as self-expression, honesty, and traditional values. Young people are killed in night clubs where they finally feel safe. Fathers and sons die for no other crime than being Black or Muslim. Families in desperate need of help are turned away because they might be dangerous. People in power routinely lie and bully and are met without consequence.
How did we get here?
Every day, I walk around with the weight of what's happening, and I think about my experience in Pohnpei. The Christy from the beginning of my service is not so different from the people in America that upset me. Things you don't understand are scary. I have never been Black, gay, Muslim, trans-gendered, an immigrant, or a refugee. People from those groups are mysterious. I have many questions, and no matter how many get answered, I will never understand what it's like to be any one of them. Well, if that's the case, why bother? Let's just build a wall, ban them, spew hatred at them, kill them. Let's make America great. They are so different from me, why can't they just go back to where they came from? Why can't they just keep their lifestyle to themselves? It's too much work for me to try to understand them, why can't they just go away?
In the 1996 movie "Harriet the Spy", Rosie O'Donnell's character Golly frequently told Harriet that the unusual people around her "deserved a closer look". That there was more to them that what meets the eye. That they had something to teach her. That stuck with me all these years.
Those groups of people, the marginalized, have lived lives so vastly different from me, They have had so many experiences I will never have. I find that utterly fascinating. They are often misunderstood and misrepresented, and consequently mistreated. But they have so much to teach us. These people deserve a closer look.
I get it. I really do. It takes a lot of emotional work to decide to care about people. It is easier to remain secluded, angry. I get it, but when the alternative is love, why would you choose anything else? The world is so loud, so ugly, the burden is too great.
And so, I am much quieter these days.
I feel the weight of my responsibility as a human, a citizen, an educator. I feel the overwhelming sense of dread. I open up the News with a knot in my stomach. I have a lot of thoughts and emotions coursing through me always. And yes, some of that is my anxiety, but some of it is me knowing that a lot is wrong in the world. Sometimes the silence is the only sound I want to hear.
"If you heard the noise living inside me, you would never question my love for silence." -Stephanie Bennett-Henry
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